human tetris is the most amazing sport in the world.

...ever. i'm sure you'll agree with me.

in other news, i've really been contemplating how much my reactions in certain situations seem to be predetermined by my relationship with r.

for instance - j. disappeared/signed off pretty early the other night, and the next day was friends with a nice but slutty girl from our undergrad. when i was dating r. that was a pretty damn good indication of cheating or at least attempts to do so. now, j. wouldn't do that, and i know this, and EVERYONE knows this about him. he is one of the most trustworthy and loyal people i have ever met.... so why can't i shake the panic attacks that come when i see something like that?

i'm getting MUCH much better - i used to freak out if i hadn't heard from r. before bed, but i can go a few days w/out talking to jeremy and i don't want to rip my hair our. and when i do finally talk to him i'm all excited because i MISSED him, not because i was worried he was cheating and i feel like we must talk now so that i know everything is still okay. i am so proud of the fact that i am not freaking out nearly as much as i used to, but i can't hep but resent with all my being the aftereffects of my last relationship. how is it fair that because of one shitty person, i am forced to question all of the innocent things my new boy does - his motives, his actions, even to the point of obsessing over things he's said because WHAT IF THEY MEAN SOMETHING I DON'T UNDERSTAND AT FIRST GLANCE?

and you know what? they never do. he's never anything but perfect to me.